A Letter to Male Half of the World's Youth
From The Girls
We know that you find us confusing, baffling and altogether incomprehensible. We enjoy it immensely, and we'd like to keep it that way. However, there are a few things you should know.
Do you know why we go to so much trouble to look pretty? For you.
Do you know why we wait until we're alone to laugh at how silly we think you are? For you.
Because even though we often find you an unintelligent and generally degenerate bunch, we really can't answer the one question; what would we do without you?
Sure, we seem pretty nutty. For one thing, you may wonder why we seem so inconsistent sometimes. One word: hormones. I won't go into all the biological details, but it is true that there are certain times when a girl's mood is likely to swing pretty far from one end of the spectrum to the other. It's usually either that, or we're just testing you. Just go with the flow and say what she wants to hear.
I know you are often surprised by the level of closeness between female friends. Unfortunately, that's one thing you fellows will never understand, so I'm not going to bother trying to explain it.
And here they are; some basic guidelines for getting on a girl's good side. I won't blame you if I hear that you skipped the rest of the letter to get to this part. Hopefully it will be helpful, and save you from learning some of these things the hard way (aka getting yelled at and/or slapped).
1. Most girls really do like getting flowers and chocolate. However, it's preferable that you don't shower them with expensive gifts. A hug is worth so much more than a necklace from Jared.
2. If she wants her space, give it to her. Also, be respectful. A girl's body belongs to her and to God, and trespassing can have serious consequences, so keep your hands in good custody.
3. Please, please, please don't try to write a poem or a song unless you really are good at it. Please.
4. If you like a girl, don't just stare at her. All that will happen is she'll tell her girlfriends about "that annoying guy who looks at me all the time" and that doesn't get you anywhere. Open your mouth. Move your lips and tongue, and put forth your voice. This usually results in what we call speaking. It's a good tool. Use it.
5. While we're on the subject of talking: don't cuss. It's crass, rude and disrespectful. Cursing says "I don't care about your feelings or your opinion." Not the message you want to get across, am I right?
6. Just listen. No doubt you've noticed that girls talk a lot. When that happens, just listen. And when I say listen I mean pay attention. Accompany your listening with the appropriate actions; a laugh, a nod, a comforting hug. All you really have to do is be there for her.
7. Don't act differently around her from how you act around everyone else. A girl wants to love you, not some other guy you pretend to be that you really aren't.
8. Punctuality. Always. Be. On. Time.
Well, I hope we've cleared a few things up here. Carry on, soldier.